godspeed, keep the lighthouse in sight

i'll warn you now, this post is not one of feel good notions; it's more of a rant and rave of things i just need to say and if you don't want to read it, then just stop now.

i'm coming in to my last semester of college. classes starting and living with three beautiful ladies, three of the only true friends i have here in upland nowadays due to everyone graduating. as bittersweet as it is not to have those great friends here, it has put things into perspective a little bit. i'm remembering that i am here for school, not to party and hang out. it is my last semester and i need to do my very best and not slack off. so, in a way, it is a bit of a blessing that i won't have quite as much of a distraction by my friends. and yet, at the same time, i want to cherish the time i do have with the few friends that are here while i'm with them. i still find myself worrying though.

have you ever felt like you aren't good enough? either not good enough to be friends with someone, or not good enough to be pursuing the path that you're on, not good enough to be worthy. i find myself thinking things like this sometimes. sometimes i am perfectly happy and content with my life and where i'm at, but when the self confidence starts to drop, it always seems like it plummets to the deepest, darkest place and is magnified exponentially. whether or not those feelings are justifiable, i don't know. i can't know what other people are thinking or feeling, which makes life so hard. it's like working so hard at a relationship with someone and you get to know them so incredibly well, but somehow, there's still a wall up, that no matter what you do, you cannot break through. sometimes that is because that person does not want to let you in. and when you've let those people into your own life to know you as completely as possible, it becomes unbearably frustrating not to be able to have that closeness reciprocated. and yet, other people are let in free of charge. it's almost like a feeling of being unwelcome. and i know that i needlessly worry about things sometimes, and these people are probably unintentionally acting this way. but it's such a sensitive subject at times that it's not even as if the subject could be breached to come to a resolution or a peace about it.

that's all i'm really going to say about it, because it is 1:30 in the morning and there's really no need in delving into subjects that will just keep my mind wandering and prevent sleep from coming. maybe i can convince my brain to focus on worrying about school, which is the more pressing concern at the moment.

to all of my friends who are no longer physically with me, i love you and miss you dearly. i wish you all the best in life and hope that we will be together again soon.